Snow Day
Heard the new Britney news? Paparazzi caught a crotch shot as she was getting out of her car. Classy, eh?
Woke up to about 4 feet of snow this morning! Definitely a snow day, which means no school! Woo Hoo! J Its been a good morning so far… made French toast for breakfast, and now me and the lil man are just chillin and letting Daddy sleep in for once. He’s always so good now about letting me get the extra rest, so I thought I’d return the favor.
I was up till about 3 am doing laundry… about 2 more loads today and we’re all caught up. Its crazy how behind we had gotten. I’ve been on Nicks case to do laundry doing the day but forgets I guess, I can’t bitch about it though because he’s been keeping the rest of the house tidy while I’m at school. That and being a SAHD is not exactly easy. That’s one of the perks of him staying home while I’m in school.. When he goes back to work, he’ll be able to empathize that staying home with the kids is work in itself.
I’m so lucky to have him, I really am. Ya know, when Zav was first born, things were rocky between us, as we went through the start of being new parents together, but he gets it now, and all his old bad behavior is a thing of the past. He never just stays in bed complacent anymore… and always helps around the house. Gawd, I love him.
Was talking to my mum the other day about her coming out to visit either when or after Kai is born, like she did with Zav. It’s not looking so good though, she’s still really sick, and not getting any better. The doctors still haven’t found a reason to her sickness, but she’s pretty sure she’s had a stroke. She’s waiting to see an internist, and hopefully they’ll be able to give her some answers. I hope so, because this waiting game sucks…. Her symptoms include but are not limited to; confusion, sluggishness/slowness, clumsiness, loss of memory, among other things, I can’t quite recollect right now. She told me to check out strokes on WebMD, so I could see why she’s thinking that. I should do that today. [Sigh]
She’s only 42. Very young, but it scares me nonetheless, seeing as all the woman in my moms side of the family have died before the age of 53 (that being my grandma, who lived the longest). As far as I know, the leading cause of death was heart disease and assorted types of cancer. Scary stuff.
But really age means shit when it comes to sickness, doesn’t it?
An old friend of mine is moving to Ontario at the end of the month from Alberta. He’s 27 and just got over cancer, which left him with one testicle. Cancer really knows no limits, it does not discriminate age, race or religion. Everyone is subject to its fatality, and so many people close to me have fell victims to it.
I told Nick that if I ever get cancer and am for sure going to die from it, that I want a silver platter loaded with all the drugs I gave up years ago. If I’m going out, I’m going out with a bang… Lol. It may sound silly, or irresponsible, but I watched my grandma die from it, and it was such a horrible death. She was in so much pain that she was kept doped up on Morphine so she wouldn’t suffer, and she was confused, disoriented, and hallucinating the entire time. I’ll never forget the stink of rotting flesh from her bedsores… and I hate to remember that moment. Instead I focus on remembering her when she was healthy, in the kitchen cooking up one of her many yummy dinners… I miss her.
I’ve always been a spiritual person, but it was on my grandma’s deathbed that I first got to see with my own eyes that the afterworld truly does exist. I’ll try to explain the situation as best I can without confusing you all.
My grandpa died a few years before my grandma. After he passed, she met a man named Alvin, who she began a companionship with. I remember at the time, I was 14 or so, and I didn’t understand at first how she could be with another man just a year after my grandpa had died. By her death though I fully understood the importance of companionship.
My grandma from Comox, BC to Vancouver to live with Alvin. At this point her cancer had been in recession for 2 years or so. Earlier she had been diagnosed with a stomach cancer that was more directed at males and rare to find in a female.
When her cancer came back full force, and started spreading to the rest of her body, Alvin was there to take care of her most basic and important needs. He fed, bathed, clothed, and loved her.
In the last few days before she died, she was hallucinating quite badly from the Morphine. At times she would mix up me and my Mum, other times she didn’t even know she was my grandma, and would ask me why I kept calling her that. She was a trooper though, and refused to leave till she saw everyone on her list. As sick as she was, she waited till her last loved one made his visit, her brother Stevie.
The day before she died, Alvin’s daughter came by to visit. Keeping in mind, she had never met nor seen pictures of my grandpa, or any other of my grandma’s deseaced relatives. She was a wiccan, and didn’t something called Ricae (spelling?) otherwise known as visualization. My grandma kept moaning about a light, and how He was coming for her, and she wasn’t ready.
So Alvin’s daughter took my grandma’s hand and they closed their eyes. She explained out loud what she was seeing. She saw a long hallway with a door at the end. Still holding my grandma’s hand, she told her that she would take her to the door, and even open it for her, but whatever was on the other side, my grandma would have to pass through alone. When they got to the end, they opened the door, and she described my grandfather, and my great grandparents to a T. Remember though, she has/had never seen them in her life! She even described in detail what they were wearing, which my mum recognized from pictures and her past. It was amazing. It was either that night or the next morning that my grandma passed, finally at rest.
So you see why I am such a believer.
I really hope my mum lives a long, long time, and gets to see her grandchildren grow up. If I could have anything, that would be it.
So on the agenda today.. A whole lot of nothing. I’ll probably just putter around the house, tidying up the last few things I missed yesterday. Weekends are always deep cleaning days, and I’m feeling quite accomplished as I got the most of it done yesterday.
We were supposed to have some friends coming over tonight, but with the weather and all, I’m not sure that will be happening. I’ll probably take Zav out in the snow a bit later on. I wish I had some gloves though, because I wanna make a snow fort lol. I’ll get some pictures a little later on too…
Well good morning to you all, hope your days a good one!
Musings
If life came with a pause button, and I pressed it right now, I’d see a million different changes in effect…
Life-long friends fading in the distance, while a dozen or more years have been built into these relationships, only to have them pass by in an instance, as if they were nothing more than oncoming traffic…
And then there’s my momma, my ever-standing tower of strength, though she’s not so sturdy lately. Something bad inside her has gone awry, yet all the tests come back inconclusive.
My worries are all tied up with her. Wondering if she’s going to be okay, wondering if its nothing;
Meanwhile, a new life is growing inside me, bumping around, making it painfully obvious that he’ll make his entrance very soon, whether I’m ready for this or not…
But that is a whole other ballgame. The second-guessing, gut-wrenching anxiety, and lingering doubts.
Can we do this?
Are we ready?
Did we maybe jump the gun too soon?
I know this is what we wanted, what we’ve planned for all along, but can we handle it?
Biting my lip, I’m not so sure…
Here we go again…
The ole’ hormones perform a side-splitting back-flip, twisting + turning, in ways only a contortionist could make possible. My thoughts shift gears once again, this time taking on a turn of hope, excitement, and a more welcome anxiety than the last…
Deep down in my gut, I know that we’re going to be okay, after all, we always are.
There are just a few things I must improve on before our family expands.
Like knowing when to take a deep breath, before I flip my lid and spill my frustration out onto the ones I love, who deserve my uncalled-for attacks the least…
even though it is probably just this pregnancy that’s whittled me down into the manic mess I’ve become, I still can’t justify an excuse, because I know that I know better than that, and that I just need to win back some of my self-control.
[deep breath]
And then there are times like these…
when there is nothing better than this moment, as I watch my first-born dance up a storm to his daddy’s latest track. He pulls out all the moves, working his feet across the floor.
Smiling, he collapses in his chair, throwing me a look of twinkling eyes, and a mischievous grin. He is what life is all about. When I am at my lowest, his smile reminds me that I am alive…
His purity keeps me in check, assuring me I can’t be so bad, for no blessing this beautiful, could come from anything tainted. There’s a sense of weightlessness, as the realization of that last sentence sinks in, lifting a burden I’ve unknowingly carried for far too long.
My thoughts, so uncharacteristically stubborn + close-minded, to be deep or not at all.
And I swear, if it weren’t for the written word, my closest friend;
to soak up my thoughts + feelings from time to time,
I just might have not lasted through all the trials + tribulations that have been passed on down upon me.
It is truly times like this that I am most grateful, as my blessing line themselves up neatly before me, making them all that much easier to count…
For our pros far outweigh the cons.
Bringing this to an end, I check to make sure that I’ve tied a mental string around my finger, to remind myself that with each passing day, we come closer to achieving our goals, and that it only gets better from here…
And if we happen to stumble and fall upon obstacles put in our path, we will pick ourselves up, dust each other off, and make our way through it, together…
