Musings
If life came with a pause button, and I pressed it right now, I’d see a million different changes in effect…
Life-long friends fading in the distance, while a dozen or more years have been built into these relationships, only to have them pass by in an instance, as if they were nothing more than oncoming traffic…
And then there’s my momma, my ever-standing tower of strength, though she’s not so sturdy lately. Something bad inside her has gone awry, yet all the tests come back inconclusive.
My worries are all tied up with her. Wondering if she’s going to be okay, wondering if its nothing;
Meanwhile, a new life is growing inside me, bumping around, making it painfully obvious that he’ll make his entrance very soon, whether I’m ready for this or not…
But that is a whole other ballgame. The second-guessing, gut-wrenching anxiety, and lingering doubts.
Can we do this?
Are we ready?
Did we maybe jump the gun too soon?
I know this is what we wanted, what we’ve planned for all along, but can we handle it?
Biting my lip, I’m not so sure…
Here we go again…
The ole’ hormones perform a side-splitting back-flip, twisting + turning, in ways only a contortionist could make possible. My thoughts shift gears once again, this time taking on a turn of hope, excitement, and a more welcome anxiety than the last…
Deep down in my gut, I know that we’re going to be okay, after all, we always are.
There are just a few things I must improve on before our family expands.
Like knowing when to take a deep breath, before I flip my lid and spill my frustration out onto the ones I love, who deserve my uncalled-for attacks the least…
even though it is probably just this pregnancy that’s whittled me down into the manic mess I’ve become, I still can’t justify an excuse, because I know that I know better than that, and that I just need to win back some of my self-control.
[deep breath]
And then there are times like these…
when there is nothing better than this moment, as I watch my first-born dance up a storm to his daddy’s latest track. He pulls out all the moves, working his feet across the floor.
Smiling, he collapses in his chair, throwing me a look of twinkling eyes, and a mischievous grin. He is what life is all about. When I am at my lowest, his smile reminds me that I am alive…
His purity keeps me in check, assuring me I can’t be so bad, for no blessing this beautiful, could come from anything tainted. There’s a sense of weightlessness, as the realization of that last sentence sinks in, lifting a burden I’ve unknowingly carried for far too long.
My thoughts, so uncharacteristically stubborn + close-minded, to be deep or not at all.
And I swear, if it weren’t for the written word, my closest friend;
to soak up my thoughts + feelings from time to time,
I just might have not lasted through all the trials + tribulations that have been passed on down upon me.
It is truly times like this that I am most grateful, as my blessing line themselves up neatly before me, making them all that much easier to count…
For our pros far outweigh the cons.
Bringing this to an end, I check to make sure that I’ve tied a mental string around my finger, to remind myself that with each passing day, we come closer to achieving our goals, and that it only gets better from here…
And if we happen to stumble and fall upon obstacles put in our path, we will pick ourselves up, dust each other off, and make our way through it, together…
